If I hadn't watched a video of two science guys I've never met, performing this experiment and speaking with authoritative voices, I would never have believed it. Because that's the kind of solid proof I need, if I see it on a screen, it must be true.

Who'd've thought something so simple and seemingly innocent would be fraught with such hidden dangers? I've been using sticky tape for years, does that mean I've got radiation poisoning? I'm sure my bones have weakened slightly, only yesterday I was walking up some stairs when my left fibula shattered and I fell over, only to put my hand out to break the fall, when all I broke was my hand, which then crumbled into dust. I'd sticky tape it back together but I'm afraid to...

There is one good thing to come from this, Stan Lee could create a brand new superhero, say one that for all his young life has collected beer mats (let's say his dad's a no good bar fly, adds a certain pathos) to stick into a scrap book and he always used sticky tape...cue frantic panelling showing radiation affecting young Jimmy's cellular structure and turning him into the glutinous Gummy Boy! Kind of like Spider-Man but he shoots sticky tape (double-sided!) from his wrists and can wrap a present in seconds without the finished product looking like a gift-wrapped ground-zero. Amazing, huh?

Right, now let's sell the film rights to Warner and make ourselves some easy millions!

This is a new state of the art mobile, it's incredible. It's got so many new features that are basically undreamt of; it's going to make the iPhone obsolete, believe, taking a massive bite out of Apple's profits. Crunch!

It has some absolutely thorough features, like a shaver, projector and a mouth-harp! I know, it's so exciting! I wonder whether it's diatonic or octave? Anyway, all you Bob Dylan wannabes (like me) can now annoy all and sundry with your renditions of Subterranean Homesick Blues while commuting to work - Johnny's on the subway playing on his Pomegranate...

And just wait until the Pomegranate 4G comes out, it's going to be spontaneous man! It'll support third-eye applications, have a software botox interface, a Scalectrix keyboard, a geothermic powered portable music player and toilet, and a fully integrated elfin-band GSM simulated reality. Mega! Plus it has a cornea compatible docking station. Yeah! It's due for release April 1st 2009, I cannot wait! It'll be hernia inducing!

I'll see you at the front of the queue when it's released. I'll be the guy with the authentic Roman ballista pointing at your crotch in case you try to push in. Don't you dare.